Be Strong, Believe

so what exactly went wrong?
8:48 AM Wednesday, May 30, 2007

what went wrong? why has things revolved to graduate into this ending? i cant help but to wonder if, im repeating a sort of pattern. you resemble her. and how things will eventually work out with a weird feeling and apathy. careful, cause the more you try, the more likely i may not control myself and just ask you in the face.

im blunt, so pardon my sharp words.

maybe im just sensitive. but what if i happened to be astute? then things will take a turn for different course. should i be mum about things and live with it? maybe. . .

i wanna stop questioning why things always turn out this way. should all friends be kept at superficial level? or was i too wrong about friendships? so all paperbacks and novels i have read are so wrong to show me that friends are more than just superficiality. if so, someone should stop these people from raising hopes in people, only to let them experience rapid hope loss when they encounter the same repeated problem i face with my so-called good friends.

right now, timothy sent me an acoustic blues kind of song. kinda soothed me alot. so i played it on the repeat mode. copeland's coffee. (: stars' style is almost like them ( except they are more rock too ), the kind of laidback soft acoustic music. (: i really like this kind. maybe no more emo songs. think emo songs will only make me angsty more and more. which is very bad. maybe when im free i'll source for basso nova music and albums. (:

im kinda used to sleeping little hours and waking up at early hours. lol maybe its good. but ah well... hope that the morning sun is doing me good. those days i spent in school, the days i dont get to see good sunlight except for short breaks and ive been seeing computer screens and fluorescent light too much. someone should just label me a living zombie. hahahaha. but yeah... think my hard work pays off a little. maybe some people thinks i dont really put in effort for work. for a moment i thought i didnt too. but i can only say maybe you guys really belittled me? i maybe a little nonchalant, but that doesnt make me aloof about work. im equally serious. maybe the hard work i put in isnt as much as you, and that definitely doesnt make me any less serious about my work as you.

sadly, my grades kinda sucked. but that was what i understand also, that it is really hard to score for vernon. cause my standard really not there what. STILL, i tried didnt i? so yeah, im half proud and half disappointed. cant really lie that im all good about knowing my grades right?

and its vesak. i no longer really care about the friends there and i think i should really go there to cleanse my soul. its too soiled and crumpled. i dont know how many times have i allowed my heart to be thrown about and my pride being trampled upon, just to be a foolish young.

its a joyous occasion that Buddha was born and passed away on this very day. so i will rejoice with the deepest grace and muster the most pure devotion, for him only. never seen me so religious before? cause i only remember my religion on special occasions. :x call me terrible, but i really cannot find reason to go to temple. plus the time too. schoolwork is really not helping me building a good rapport with Time. (:

oh well, thanks for the nice shopping night with liyun. you were wonderful. hope to meet you soon, with weiwen that darling of course.

i dont know what else to be done. where went wrong, and seriously, maybe i held hopes for the wrong issues. please give me a light and show me some guidance. i dont really want to feel this loss. im just... heartache. horrible thing to have. sigh. ):

cried and grew.