Be Strong, Believe

smile your troubles away.
1:15 AM Tuesday, May 01, 2007

this jessica who sits before the computer has a troubled past. has a mind that thinks too much. is a piece of clay. easily shaped and moulded into almost anything.

joel your words hold truth. i dont know you well. i admit that. one other sentence that i concur with you is that, my friends rub their influence on me easily. total agreement. (:

what i dont agree is that, i know you are a nice guy from what i know of you now. so do not deny my statement so fast; cause you are a nice guy, to me. period. (:

back to the part whereby im a piece of clay. allow me to reflect, though joel and timothy inspired me to write this post. ( despite my biting migraine ) not to say i have hardly a mind to decide. but i must say, that my life is often influenced by many things. im easily moved and never adamant. its not a bad thing, but neither is it a good thing.

now as i look back, its scary shit to think that i have actually contracted bulimia. an ongoing thing i developed since primary 5. okay, maybe on and off? which explains my hefty weight of 62 when i was secondary two? right now, im just an unfit mess. i dont exercise and i can barely do five good pushups, man-style. please do not see that my waist is 24half, i owe that to bulimia and the most 2 meals a day. yessa, i know my face is chubby, but that is my motivation for bulimic exercises. hahhaa. pretty sad i know. but what is even more sad, that my heart palpitated and blood rushed to my head when i just pumped 4 pumps, the fifth one almost turned my face red. the rest of the pushups were shit. jessica can no longer do twenty. ( though i used to do it with difficulty, but at least i did twenty(: ) i am just fucking unfit. and i have this fear to eat carbohydrates more than a certain limit per day.

because of my weird diet and bulimia, im not really miss nice. i throw missy fits. but timothy said he doesnt really recall, so i must be alright. ( we try the same question on one fine day, whereby i rub you the wrong way eh? lol. ) i emo like shit. and medicine i consumed because of my constant migraine, turns me into miss/ mr. hyde. i have mountainload of medicine ( cause i used to pon school at least twice a month when i was sec 3-4 ) and none of them really make me a healthy person. sometimes, i do wonder what defines a healthy person? they exercise regularly and eat regular food. blanced diets and ya dah ya dah... STILL there are cases of health nuts dying due to heart irregularities.

hmmm, so whats next? junkies live to ripe old age despite lousy lifestyles?

im not trying to excuse myself for being bulimic. but the fashion of stick-thin figures has deep impression on me. im not exactly stick thin, but i think my boobs are a little too proportional to my figure. LOL. can i have more please? now now, the problem of bulimia is that it doesnt allow our boobs to be really big, does it? =x

jessica listens to almost all sorts of music. she appreciates lots but never all. but her genre of music is so wide that she pays tribute to her friends. ( yessa ima writing in a third person view. get use to my writing style will ya? ) and again, if you feel you can change her with your genre of music, feel free to try. cause timothy succeeded in converting me to an emo rock listener. theres more. and now im tapping my uncle's songs folder. hoho.

sometimes, i will miss the good old times where i laughed like a hyena, and doing the dumbest things on earth. right now, its all good. be it the past or the present, i learn to treasure. memories are beautiful, because they are the untouched. once we redo what we used to do, the memories will lose their beauty.

so, friends who used to share great times with me in the past, please remember my laughter and my smiles. because they are no longer the same as what i have now.

people, take my hand and smile our troubles away, shall we? i love you guys and wish to hear your laughter too. sunshine cannot be anymore beautiful than this, i promise. (:

cried and grew.