Be Strong, Believe

to dear clarence.
7:12 AM Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Dear Clarence,

im writing my letter to you in the form of my journal entry. you may not even read my blog. may not even know the right address for it. but please allow me to use your name, your identity and your persona, as my legitimate excuse to pour my heart out.

as you know who i like. i am sad to tell you jessica has lost this game. she has not really lost the guy, cause he was never hers to begin with. clarence only knows the name of the guy. he has never seen him in person. but i want you to know, the guy i like is like any other guy. in fact, he is any other guy. but i saw the special thing in him. or so i think.

what i really lost, is myself.

i lose myself to him. he contributed so much of my joy and sorrows. everytime i smile, i think of him. everytime i cry, he came to my mind. he was the first person i want to break news about me, to him. he was the person i have to crack my nuts just to talk to him. he is something i call, a pillar. he may not know it. but deep down, i fell for his many imperfections.

he maybe common as muck, but sometimes, his silly little actions just made jessica think he is so adorable. in fact, jessica has a lot of new habits developed is because of him. jessica witnessed many sides of him. jessica shared many happy and sad and even the most trivial things with him. just to keep things going.

clarence, so many times you told me to be contented with life as it is. but do you actually know how stupid it is? to really fall that deep for a person you thought you know. but ironically, it turned out you knew nothing about him at all. not at all. you always wanted me to be happy. and i wish to be, for you. for family. for everyone. but more importantly, for what i really want my emotions to be.

it is stupid of me. to say yes to this feeling. like what joel said, the door is locked and you are trapped. even though you closed the door itself; its a closed door suicide. i spoke too soon. fell in too fast. plummeted almost instantaneously and hit the bottomless abyss of darkness. man, its sore. it stings.

i saw me in you. is it a good thing? all i know is, this mirroring effect just hurts like mad. the more i tried to let go, the more i am holding on. when in the first place, i have nothing to hold onto. you know and yet you didnt tell me. you knew, didnt you? its a long grace, and i have fallen out of grace.

for those who have read about twelfth night, you guys are familiar with the all time favourite, Feste? right? i felt like him. maybe like malvolio. but im not spiteful, just sorry for my loss of emotions. the many faces i put on to live with life, to go to work; and to just forget my deepest void, my largest loss. but nothing fills it up. im worse than a blackhole. i aint sir topas. i aint a licensed fool. but do make me one, as there is no slander in the words of one.

i have already forgotten which persona i am using now, but all i want to say is. you havent heard what i really want to say and this ended already. all these have gone too soon. too soon. i do have alot to say to you. but all that is summarised into 3 simple words. but there was no chance. because i know i already lost.

dear clarence, please tell me jessica is going on fine. but i am a weakling. i know. i bloody fucking know that. you guys all asked me not to cry. not to lose myself. but what you guys dont know is, its a heart you are talking about. and you guys dont know that i actually build myself upon him. please dont count on my laughter. but i am really choking on my own hypocrisy.

despise me all you want. but this is one void im trying to make sense out of it. dont tell me what to do. just listen.

aights?

signing off with loads of pent up love,

your fucked up friend- jessica goh.

cried and grew.