Be Strong, Believe

where is me?
3:18 AM Thursday, November 16, 2006

i had my towel draped over my shoulders and my head resting on my palms. i glanced at the lousy people before me. the many windows. the weird combination of fate and karma.

here i am, like a spider at ease, spinning webs of revelations. trying to find myself out of nothingness.

nothingness indeed.

but before i continue, i shall ask. Are You Guys Willing? im gonna wrote a whole long page of bloody words. get out of here if you are not here to read.

oh well =/ so here goes nothing at its best.

i never thought i will be recognising you as my failure. never did. serious. but hell, you are.

ng shi hui. what a name.

im always jealous of you. you can play the violin. had many friends. got great atheletic sense. more importantly, you are clever.

p6, i remembered you told adeline i loved to act cute. that my voice really sucks. that whatever i do, is never good enough.

maybe i act cute. how the hell i know? but my voice...

do you know how hard i took your words? how i tried so hard to talk in a voice i never had. a voice i thought i really never had. i quit choir. i never go into choir again. even up to zhss. i never thought you were my failure. so i stopped choir, and i never blamed you for that. not that i want to blame you of anything. but yeah, you etched such a strong impression on me that im scarred.

scarred for life.

somehow, i thought choir people sucked. but actually deep down, i yearned to sing again. what i have is my voice. come to think of it, i think that is the only thing i am better than you are. or else, i have nothing better in comparison.

i know you people will go like, you are you. you are who you are those bullshit. trust me, for a moment i thought so too. in fact, for the past few years, i believed so.

enough of these bullcrap. when the sweet bubbles burst, what you have left are just vapours of dashed dreams. she will remain my failure. i know, this should be hidden. a dark dark secret. why am i exposing myself? am i that hardcore for attention? like i said, you can always get out of here if you want to.

but i dont deny. there are some attention i crave for. what i dont have, will never be replaced by other means of it. even if you give me excess of the rest, nothing changes. im a blackhole.

all i want, is the right attention from the right person. im craving for shi hui's recognition.

its not simple in fact. not at all.

i am craving the attention of this particular guy. who made me lost everything i know about myself. everything i held so dearly to.

you know what? timot, i like you before. haha. literally and metaphorically. im like you, a fool in love. but i believe you are much superior than i am. i dont want to hide this fact. i am still your friend. i still want to be your best budd till the day i die. maybe i want you to share the same sentiments. but its silly, isnt it? but this is how possessive i can get. this alone, posed a frightening thought to me. what if i lose you one day? what if i am no longer your best budd?

im a monster, it seems.

at the end of the day, the quote remains. " im a tyrant by nature, but a failed one by reality."

i can never embark on the journey to find myself. because, there are somethings left undone. there are somethings left a blank. i can never move on without filling the holes up.

till then, i will remain a blackhole.

cried and grew.