Be Strong, Believe

the demented world.
2:37 AM Friday, September 08, 2006

im still bitter that my parents thought of aborting me. but i got to understand that, they had their reasons for doing so.

im stoning like a computer freak. tsk... last night was the last straw. i gave up looking for jobs. and since my mum asked me to give up, so TA DA! a super duper lifeless jessica sits before the computer. doing things only the lifeless will do. but angela introduced me to another job and i have to call to arrange for an interview on monday. contradiction, i know. i always encounter them in my life. but am not pinning my hopes too high. because i got not much holidays left to offer them. so yeah, be prepared to see a lifeless jessica. AGAIN.

i stare at timot's mini soccer ball almost everyday. wondering what will happen if i try to juggle it. o.O crap. better not take the risk. or else i will have to buy a new one for him and new furnitures for my mum. TIMOT IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE TAKE YOUR BLOODY PRESENT FROM ME. =.= sheesh.

i was talking to a friend, whom i shall not name, in the wee morning 1 plus am. hmm. i came to this understanding that a girl has the higher tendency to get hurt in a r/s. be it a crush, infatuation or a spurned love. girls are usually weaker, in terms of emotions. her story is a sad one and i wish not touch on it, for i hope this entry will not hurt her. but still, i must get my point across. in any case, anyone of you fall for a guy/girl. sure go ahead. and if it happens to be an unrequitted love, please dont get too emotionally attached to it. i am not asking you to stop liking that nonsense, but at least try not to give in everything. if you really give in everything, you fall into either one of this two categories : 1st, you are in love with the idea of Love. 2nd, you are insecure.

1st category, may seem positive. but it is everything of Euphemism. Love is transient. you can never catch it, nor can you predict what heights ( at the same time, depressions. ) it will bring you to. to be in love with it, is putting yourself under the possibility of getting trapped being in the 2nd category. we are only mere mortals. what are you to worship Love? who in the heck are you to even think Love is attainable. not that im looking up to Love, as a holy intervention or some omniscient thingy. but at our age, we ought to wake up and know that Love dont exist between humans, but only in family ties. now, not even spouses love each other anymore. they are just companions to their respective deathbeds. Love, i repeat, only exist between a child and his mother/father or maybe both. try telling me that how wonderful Love is with that fabulous man/lady you fell for, and i will tell you; it will all end up the same. your so called "Love" only accounts to your inner lust. =/ lust dont last. ( its an accidental rhyming. not trying to be corny here.)

finally, 2nd category. what is good in self delusion and wallowing in self pity eh? you know there is nothing good out of this r/s, but you still think of the person. occassionally picturing yourself with him/her in dreams or day dreams. you give this r/s every possible chance you can think of, thinking that every bitter moments you encounter are just the beauty of this bittersweet entrapment. you dont mind thinking how special that person is in your waking moments, or to doubt yourself for being not worthy enough. and whatever you do, seem not enough for you to get him/her. then you start to blame yourself. for what, it remained unknown. because the self- reprimand appears in many forms. so much so that you forget for which reason you blame yourself for. the only thing you know, you are still in this shit. liking the person as like before. this is what i call insecurities. you desperately want hold of this person and yet when they spurned your "love" ( i would call this a sick obsession, fine fine charge that to my account. ), you still cling onto him/her. dont mind me, but i think he/she is just someone you think you are not, that's why you just cling onto him/her, hoping that that person will make up what you dont have. thus making you whole.

i have my fair share of such folly. and maybe still am. it is because all these mistakes, i am who i am today. but fuck, do you guys have a functioning brain or what? be it the left side or right side. still, MAKE IT FUNCTION! the person you like, doesnt own you. your parents cannot even own you, why should he/she own you? damn damn damn. i am not going to ask you to do something dramatic like killing that person. or maybe i should... not literally of course. metaphorically.

listen up. you dont have to stop liking the person. what i am asking of you is to live a normal life, stop obsessing with that person. DONT keep on linking whatever efforts you do, are for that person. if liking a person means giving up what you are, i rather wish that you are dead. you are nothing more than a shell of a person. no soul and no contents. what good are you on earth? you live to pay tribute to that fucking asshole? ( pardon me. i get very agitated easily. ) some people bleed to prove they are alive. and what do you do? you hurt yourself to prove that your love is alive. it just irks me.

there are somethings in this demented world we can afford to lose, and there are some we can never. the most important thing you can never lose is, yourself. but if you still remain the way you are, i can not do much. but to stand at the side and watch you die.

i like someone. and i understand that liking a person will be like a road of no return. the only options you have is to walk till the end, or to change your direction at the cross road. i will continue to like that person until my right one save me out of this detrimental shit i subject myself to. but i am in total awareness that no guy own me. nor will i love that guy until i am left with nothing for myself or for my family. yes, occassionally... i will still be like you guys. getting stupid and crying silly for things that are never real in the first place. STILL, i dont lose myself. =)

cried and grew.