Be Strong, Believe

wednesday
5:25 AM Wednesday, August 30, 2006

went out with pearlyn and elvina right after visiting zhonghua with them. nice memories but we have to move on.

it is very sweet of pearlyn to ask me go back to zhss with them. =) and then we walked the long road to serangoon mrt station to go town. that was when she told me mr jonathan seow's joke. haha. oh oh! before that we had tom yam yee mee. ok. they had the non-tom yam one. haha. the yu pian mee fen/ yee mee.

we talked random stuffs. bought pearlyn's stuffs and we bought gelatos. =) thank you. it has etched a memorable effort in my heart. then it was time to part. time passed us so quickly. tried to be like what we were used to be but it is obvious i dont belong to them. i dont know. i dont belong to them. not anymore.

sat the rebound train home. when the train was stationing at marina bay, i sat there and thought. what if the person i went back with is huiqi. i think maybe i might not enjoy myself. maybe i would enjoy. god knows. but it is just so hard to picture me and huiqi together. we drifted apart. so far far apart. i am just disappointed in her last night. i supposed i was harsh to her too. but deep down, i wished things would not be so bad. maybe she doesnt even care much. nevermind i will move on.

then i remembered pearlyn said she was not worried for me. because she knows im strong. i will be fine. so she was worried for elvina because she is very quiet. true. sometimes, i think i may be saddened by some things, i will come to understand that things are not so bad and i should not indulge in misery. and i look at elvina. she is always smiling. but behind her smiles, i wonder what pain she withholds. all of a sudden, i feel like smiling to her and tell her, smile like you mean it. but i think what i say will be superficial. because i am not her. i dont know what she is going through.

the train started moving and my thoughts skipped to clarence. he was sad last night. i was sad last night too, but for silly things. =x i think he sort of saddened to realise that he had been the one who always gives and put in efforts for friendships. he felt that he was alone and he was tired. i empathise him. because i know we are the same. i always give in a lot for friendships. i think we both wanted our efforts to be appreciated. want the other party to treat us same if not a little lesser. but i came to understand this theory that what we give in in friendships, might not be what we recieve back. huiqi told me to give without expecting rewards. if not, you will be feeling miserable because the feelings are not reciprocated. but i really understand. i really do. the feeling of disappointment and the fatigue of giving and still not getting any. but i told him not to give up. since we are the hype stations, we can not give up. it is fine we take a rest. if he ever feel tired again, he has me to cheer him up.

it is fine to indulge in misery and wallow in self pity once in a while. but in moderation amount. because i believe in optimism. and friends.

cried and grew.