Be Strong, Believe

a long day.
8:59 PM Thursday, July 27, 2006

it's aint easy at all. being in ComDI is a nightmare. im a thinker, not a speaker. jessica seriously dreads all public speaking related stuffs. yes, she can think fast. just throw a question, she will give u an answer once she gets it. but converting her thoughts into words is not what she specialises in.

gift of gab is what i lack. i am critical. i criticise. but i cant talk. it's easy to tell. ask her to rebuke a petty arguement, and she will not be able to talk; though thoughts are running smoothly in her mind. Even with every possible ways and reasons she can out talk that person, but she just cannot express her thoughts. sadly, her thoughts remain as thoughts and the person simply walk over that arguement, thinking that jessica is merely an insolent girl BUT NO! if u were to ask me to type or write out the thoughts, i guess the person will be shocked. well surprise surprise! jessica can actually spin out those coherent speeches and rebukes. saying so much, jessica really hates it when she got great concepts and she cannot convey her fabulous ideas. everytime u see jessica being quiet in an arguement, its not that she's defeated or trying to give in. but its just that her mind reacts faster than her mouth. so fast that she already forgot what she was thinking and thus she cannot speak.

stayed back today with mel to attend a meeting with moses. he was trying to convince us that PICC (some chinese stuffs) is something worthwhile. i mean yeah i understand. it is very nice and all. the best part about it; its rather exclusive. and i know. i really know china and india are so going to be the next superpowers. so keeping our chinese standard there is important because it almost seems compulsory for us to go into the chinese market to work. but i have a profound distaste for the chinese nationals and the chinese market. if u recognise the word "profound", u will infer that the distaste is so deep that jessica herself doesnt know why she has it. i have heard it millions of time, of how china this and that, how singapore as compared to it, is still struggling to keep our edge above them. well sorry to say, i already see that china has clearly won us by a large margin. though i really admire them for being so powerful, i really dislike them. u can even say i detest them. they are like cockroaches to me. the strongest surviving species despite being despised and trampled upon. for the simple reason, they have the manpower. moses just rattle on about how it will be useful if us, singapore designers can tap into their market. but jessica, jessica. she really hates them.

but hey! theres a fine line between being practical and being skeptical. if i want to survive in the industry, and be a fucking first hand worker. i have to throw away this Pride of mine. and fight to understand them, in order to work with them. but then again, jessica doesnt have the confidence to present. still, its back to square one. and if she DOES take up this CDS, she has to start from scratch, cause her chinese is... emptied. AND if my aunt ever come across this dilemma of mine, she will deem it as stupidity. her stand will be that jessica should fight to survive in this over populated pasture, and keep herself on the greener side of the pasture. but please, if i really do that; i would have really lost my passion for design and work for money and surviving means. i mean being mercenary isnt all bad, but i dont want to do it for sacrificial status.

sometimes, it really hold great significance. Monetary terms i mean. but giving up what i am really pursuing for, for money; i am not really keen on that. i dont know how to balance this passion with reality. it makes no sense to me. not at all. to survive in this dog-eat-dog society ( or even the world ), one has to sacrifice dreams. now jessica is really doubting her future. she just doesnt want to be a slave for money and the lust-driven materialistic world. but does she have a choice? i dont know. it really depends. and it hurts to be pacing up and down when reality already showed her that she only has a path to go. will i be a rebel? or a sycophant? i dont know. i really dont.

and i have a self portraiture to do. this is crap. i'm getting more and more cranky each day because of reality. it is thawing itself before my very eyes and showing how raw things can be. the thing about poly life? things get so hands-on that it really sucks. fucking big time. =/ and mel tells me i have to write an essay if we wants to join the PICC thingy. CHINESE essay?! i feel like fainting soon. if jessica really do join the interview for it, then chinese dictionaries are her new found best friends. =.= i really feel like puking le. ARGH! to hell with things. and i spent an hr plus for this entry. bleahs.

cried and grew.